SEE

"If we don't recognise and understand the arrogance (anger, spitefulness etc) in ourselves, we can't accurately see arrogance (anger, spitefulness etc) in others."  "Lord, how much of this is me seeing my unprocessed self (projection) in them?" is a good question to ask ourselves. And... "How much of this is about me?  How much of this is actually about them?" are useful too.

Explore all your emotions, find out what is in you.
SEE what is in your intended spouse, because you have discovered honestly what is in you.
You will not forever remain ignorant about your beloved.
Ignorance is NOT bliss when you discover the darker sides of your spouse.

(We all have our darker side.)  
If ye are prepared, ye need not fear.
If the revelation of his/her darker side is sobering - consult with someone wise.
Better to break off an engagement than a marriage.

Fortunately the same holds true for the lighter and lovelier sides of ourselves.
"If we don't know about the humility (peacefulness, lovingness etc) in ourselves, we can't see humility (peacefulness, lovingness etc) in others."

Explore all these emotions in yourself as well.
SEE what in in your intended spouse, because you have discovered honestly what is in you.
You will be blessed to discover gentle and Christian virtues in your spouse.
If you are prepared you can rejoice daily.
If the revelation of his/her lovelier side is intimidating or challenging to you, consult with someone wise.
You might saboutage your relationship and lose it if you do not learn to appreciate and cherish the peacefulness and loveliness within yourself and others.

YOU WILL LEARN about the light and the dark of us all sometime on your journey through life and the hereafter.
Don't stay wrong long.
Learn your lessons well - the sooner the more successful your life and living will be.
Enhance your Emotional IQ.

Couple Questionnaire

Early and past patterns of relating carry over to current circumstances and relationships.

 In this relationship I feel -    

-secure

-resistant

-avoidant

add...............

How much of my behaviour in this relationship may be influenced by my past relationships?

What can I do differently in this present relationship that might make a difference?

How can I think differently in my relationship now that might just make a difference?

How can I feel differently in my relationship that might make a difference?

What are my biggest fears about my relationship?

What do I hope this partner will give to me in this relationship?

What are my ideals regarding this relationship?

I wish…

What were my mother’s unlived dreams… 

For herself

For me

What were my father’s unlived dreams...

For himself

For me

What feels true for me about my mother?  

Great… Terrible… or ...

What feels true for me about my father? 

Great… Terrible… or ...

What do I hope for from my spouse?                     

What do I hope to become with my spouse? 

Hero

Admirer

Guide 

Worshipper

Lover

Parent

Seducer 

Genius

Nurturer

Equal partner

Comforter

Companion

add..................

What has aroused aggression in me the past?

What might arouse aggression in me in this relationship?

What do I do/think/feel when my aggression is aroused?

What has caused me to feel afraid in the past?

What might cause me to feel afraid in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am afraid?

What has aroused my jealously in the past?

What might arouse my jealousy in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am jealous?

When have I felt envious in the past?

What might arouse my envy in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am envious?

When have I felt hurt in the past?

What might hurt me in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am hurt?

What hurt have I caused in the past?

What hurt might I cause in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I cause hurt?

When have I felt sad in the past?

What might I be sad about in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am sad?

When have I had joy in the past?

What will give me great joy in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am joyful?

When have I felt peace in the past?

How might I feel peace in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am peaceful?

When have I felt competent in the past?

How can I feel competent in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am competent?

When have I felt powerful in the past?

How will I feel powerful in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am powerful?

What am I learning about myself?

What am I learning about the person I intend entering a relationship with?

If I need help – who might be able to help me?

If my intended partner needs help, what can I do about it?

In what ways has this questionnaire been useful to me?

What am I learning?        

Thirty Six Questions

36 Questions Intended To Deepen Your Relationship.

Have two copies – one for each of you.   

Take turns choosing a number you want to concentrate on in one of the three sets. 
Mark off on your list when you have talked about it enough for you. 
Complete all the items over a period of time.
You will discover more and learn to understand yourself and each other a lot better!

Set 1

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? If so, in what way?  If not, why not?
3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. You live to 90.  For last 60 years, do you keep mind or body of your 30 yr old self?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? 
8. Name three things you think you and I have in common.
9. For what in your life are you most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell me your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

13. If  something/one could tell you the truth about yourself, what do you want to know?
14. Have you dreamed of doing something for a long time? Why have you not done it yet?
15. What is your greatest accomplishment so far in your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most precious and treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew you would die soon, what would you change about how you live? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Tell me 3 pluses, 2 minuses you notice about me so far: Give them to me  + - + - +
23. How close and warm is your family? Was your childhood happier than most?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set 3

25. Make 3 true "we" statements. For instance 'We are both…"
26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share…"
27. What would be important for a close friend to know about you?  Share it.
28. Tell me what you like about me; here’s your chance to dare - be very honest.
29. I will share an embarrassing moment with you:  here goes…
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? And cry by yourself?
31. I will tell you something I like about you already:…
32. What, if anything, is too serious still for you, and not to be joked about?
33. If you were to die today what would you wish you had said… to whom?
34. Your house catches fire. You save loved ones and pets, what one more item?   Why?
35. Of all your family, whose death would you find most a relief/disturbing? Why?
36. I have this personal problem (share) what observations/advice do you have for me?
       What you think I might be feeling about this problem of mine?

Adapted from a study authored by Arthur Aron  -

"One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.”   Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, this exercise  facilitates your  sharing.

Insights

"Valuable insights often come from unexpected sources."
"Granite Flats" BYU Television series

Your Marriage Vows

Marriage is a joyous occasion, yet it carries with it grave responsibilities.  It is essentially a religious institution.  It has its origins in religious ceremony.  It is a fulfilment of a Divine command, and the finest of its products are spiritual.  Marriage is the greatest of all unions.  It implies a most sacred and binding covenant dating back to the beginning of time.  The highest and noblest aspirations of our existence find expression in this ancient institution of holy matrimony.  Yet is also ever new as the world unfolds around us. 

There are four parties to each marriage compact: 
The man, the woman, the State and the Church.

You each are contracting parties, entering into this union of your own free will and choice, your hearts filled with the love you have for each other.  Your love is the origin and basis of your proposed union.  If you care for and preserve your love, it will be the supreme benediction of your wedded lives.  You preserve your love through adequate consideration of each other.  Cherish your love as a priceless gem.  You have chosen to share the great responsibilities of life together.  Happiness is your goal.

The State is interested because the State is concerned about the welfare of society.  The home you will build will add to the community.  Good homes and families are indispensable to a good society and an enduring nation.  Build your home and family embracing the great and lasting values of purity, honesty, thrift, kindness, and patriotism.

The Church is deeply concerned because it is the instrument through which your marriage can be sanctified.  By Divine power your lives are to be unified and consecrated to holy purposes.  Find a place in your hearts for faith and the hope of immortality.  Take God into your partnership.  Promise that you will sustain Him and His truth as you look to Him to sustain and bless you.

Strengthen each other in all your labours.  Rest upon each other in your sorrows.  Minister to one another in your times of pain.  Build a safe and harmonious life together.  Create a home wherein each of you might fulfil the purposes of your existence.  Savour the blessed memories you make.  Become one.  The time will come when one or both of you depart this life – make the most of the time you are able to be together.

Our Saviour gave us the pattern of the marriage covenant when he said “… from the beginning of creation God made them male and female.  For this cause shall a man (and woman) leave his father and his mother and cleave unto his wife.”

The marriage vows you make are very sacred.  Adhere to them and they will bring you the happiness and joy you seek.  Happiness is often illusive.  It is like a butterfly – be peaceful, let it settle on you.

You will be individually named.  You will take each other by the right hand in token of the covenant you enter into to become his/her companion and husband (companion and wife), to forsake all others, to love, honour and cherish your spouse as long as you both shall live.   You will promise to observe all the laws, covenants, and obligations pertaining to the Holy State of Matrimony.  You will be reminded that you do this of your own free will and choice, in the presence of witnesses, and as if in the presence of God.  You will promise to take him/her to be your lawful wedded husband/wife. 

The ring/s are given and received as a token and pledge of the covenant between you.  The precious metal is a symbol of the purity of your love, the circle a symbol of the enduring nature of your union.  You are individually named and pronounced husband and wife, legally and lawfully wedded for your mortal lives.

“May God bless your union with joy in your posterity and a long life of happiness together. 

May He enable you to keep the covenants you have made.”  Will be the words said in conclusion.

Patience

"Patience is how you act while you are waiting."
Joyce Meyer

Past, Present, Future

"Discover your past. Face your present. Change your future."
"The Generations Project" BYU Television

Sociopaths

"He sounds convincing... but sociopaths always do."
"Law and Order" Television series

Problems Always Turn Up

"Problems always turn up - it wouldn't be any fun playing football if the other team didn't show up."
George D Durrant - LDS Profiles programme on BYU Television

Things Work Out

"Things work out - especially if you marry the right woman (man)."
George D Durrant

Bind... Blind...

"The ties that bind can be the ties that blind."
"Monster"

Craziness

"When you see Craziness coming... cross the street!"
Iyanla van Zandt

Secrets

"You can't keep a secret about yourself and live a true life."
From the Judy-recommended movie "Little Secrets"

Expectations

"...we all have a list of things we would like to have in our relationships. Some items are more important, some less. None of us will get everything we wish for.

...people who are maturing in life can acknowledge the pain of what they do not have, and grieve about it, rather than act out in anger and frustration."

"Fight four your Marriage" p338
Howard J Markman, Scott M Stanley, Susan L Blumberg

Maturing Together Towards Perfection

“One of the things I've realized as I've matured in life is that if someone is willing to accept me — imperfect as I am — then I should be willing to be patient with others' imperfections as well. Since you won't find perfection in your partner, and your partner won't find it in you, your only chance at perfection is in creating perfection together.”
President Dieter F Uchtdorf
(I lifted this from Shawn Powrie's blog http://n3r0t0x1n.blogspot.com/ - his entry "Electromagnetic fields and Corollary Acceptance")

Nobody... Somebody

"You would be better off to have nobody than to have the wrong somebody."
Joyce Meyer

Real Love

"Real love should always make you do the right things for the right reasons.
Real love lasts. It's something that lasts - you don't have to rush into it.
You shouldn't rush growing up - there'll be plenty of time for adult problems."
BYU TV series "Wind at My Back"

Covenant Marriage, Contract Marriage

Elder Bruce Hafen gave a talk in the October 1996 General Conference discussing Contract Marriage and Covenant Marriage.

I recommend you find it and read it individually, and then together. Good material for deep discussion.

www.lds.org go to "Gospel Library" then "Magazines" then "Ensign" then "Past Issues" then "1996" then "November 1996" then scroll for Elder Bruce Hafen's talk.

Oil and Water

Oil and water vigorously shaken to 'blend'...

Left standing a short while and the separation starts to happen.

And longer the separation is complete.

Oil and water do not mix easily, if at all. If they mix it will be an uneasy mix only possible with the constant addition of an agent to make it possible.

Be careful whom you choose to daily 'mix' your self, your life and living with.

If you and they are oil and water, the natural separation will take place.

Take time to date and find out more about each other.

Don't be fooled.

Beware!

If you or your boyfriend/girlfriend has any of these communication styles and attitudes - be warned! Very difficult path ahead for both of you.

Criticism
Contempt
Conflict
Stonewalling

John Gottman