Character and Chemistry

"Character trumps chemistry!" Young and in Love author Ted Cunningham

(Looking for sound character in the one you are thinking of marrying is more important than looking for the one who sparks chemistry in you.)

Overcompensating

We may see nothing wrong with overcompensating in a marriage, but when we begin to lose our happiness and who we are as a person, we must reevaluate our role.

There are marriages where one person overcompensates because the other person is contributing very little to the relationship and to the family. Instead of discussing the matter, the person chooses to carry on as if nothing is happening. In the meantime, the other person has no idea something is wrong. Children old enough to understand will realize that one parent is overcompensating for the other. Unfortunately, that isn’t a good example to set because they will grow to believe overcompensating is OK in any relationship.

From a child’s perceptive, I recall my mother overcompensating for my father at times. He tried his best, but there were occasions where he was unavailable. It was stressful for all of us.

In my first marriage, I used to overcompensate. My husband, at the time, was not as attentive to the marriage as I hoped. He was more involved with his personal life than our marriage. Even though it was overwhelming at times, I thought by doing more than my share in the marriage I would make things easier for us and bring him closer to me. It didn’t quite work out that way. Overcompensating was just one of the factors that pulled us apart.

Overcompensating may not drive a couple to separate, but it can definitely make the marriage awkward and create tension within the household. These three tips can help you and your spouse equally contribute to the marriage and to the family.

COMMUNICATE. We all have our plates full. There is so much happening in our lives that we are guilty of putting a little less into our relationships or families at times. However, when that behavior turns into a habit, you should have a one to one conversation with your spouse. Be honest. The last thing you want to do is hide the truth. Remember your children will pick up what they see and hear. Overcompensating is not OK.

ATTENTION AND AFFECTIPON. You and your spouse should give each other attention as much as possible. Don’t leave the hugs and kisses for special occasions or for one person to always give it. If your spouse is cooking, place a kiss on her cheek or gently touch her shoulders.

When it comes to your children, hug and kiss them as often as possible. Don't wait until they head to school or bed.

Don't buy gifts as a way to hide your guilt. Buy gifts because there’s a meaning behind it or as a special gesture. The attention and affection should come from the heart, not from a guilty place.

FAMILY TIME. Set up family trips such camping, a day at the amusement park or the movies. Both parents should attend their children’s softball game or school play. Consider family time at home. Spend that time catching up on the week or playing family games.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do a little more for your spouse and family just as long as you are not jeopardizing your happiness. When you feel you are putting more into the marriage than the other person, it's a good idea to discuss the concern. At the end of the day, a marriage and family is to be celebrated by two people — not one.

 

Mayra Bitsko

Mayra Bitsko is a freelance writer, the author of A Second Chance and The Past Beckons and holds a master's degree in business administration-accounting. Contact her at www.mrsmbitsko.com.

Insights

"Valuable insights often come from unexpected sources."
"Granite Flats" BYU Television series

Your Marriage Vows

Marriage is a joyous occasion, yet it carries with it grave responsibilities.  It is essentially a religious institution.  It has its origins in religious ceremony.  It is a fulfilment of a Divine command, and the finest of its products are spiritual.  Marriage is the greatest of all unions.  It implies a most sacred and binding covenant dating back to the beginning of time.  The highest and noblest aspirations of our existence find expression in this ancient institution of holy matrimony.  Yet is also ever new as the world unfolds around us. 

There are four parties to each marriage compact: 
The man, the woman, the State and the Church.

You each are contracting parties, entering into this union of your own free will and choice, your hearts filled with the love you have for each other.  Your love is the origin and basis of your proposed union.  If you care for and preserve your love, it will be the supreme benediction of your wedded lives.  You preserve your love through adequate consideration of each other.  Cherish your love as a priceless gem.  You have chosen to share the great responsibilities of life together.  Happiness is your goal.

The State is interested because the State is concerned about the welfare of society.  The home you will build will add to the community.  Good homes and families are indispensable to a good society and an enduring nation.  Build your home and family embracing the great and lasting values of purity, honesty, thrift, kindness, and patriotism.

The Church is deeply concerned because it is the instrument through which your marriage can be sanctified.  By Divine power your lives are to be unified and consecrated to holy purposes.  Find a place in your hearts for faith and the hope of immortality.  Take God into your partnership.  Promise that you will sustain Him and His truth as you look to Him to sustain and bless you.

Strengthen each other in all your labours.  Rest upon each other in your sorrows.  Minister to one another in your times of pain.  Build a safe and harmonious life together.  Create a home wherein each of you might fulfil the purposes of your existence.  Savour the blessed memories you make.  Become one.  The time will come when one or both of you depart this life – make the most of the time you are able to be together.

Our Saviour gave us the pattern of the marriage covenant when he said “… from the beginning of creation God made them male and female.  For this cause shall a man (and woman) leave his father and his mother and cleave unto his wife.”

The marriage vows you make are very sacred.  Adhere to them and they will bring you the happiness and joy you seek.  Happiness is often illusive.  It is like a butterfly – be peaceful, let it settle on you.

You will be individually named.  You will take each other by the right hand in token of the covenant you enter into to become his/her companion and husband (companion and wife), to forsake all others, to love, honour and cherish your spouse as long as you both shall live.   You will promise to observe all the laws, covenants, and obligations pertaining to the Holy State of Matrimony.  You will be reminded that you do this of your own free will and choice, in the presence of witnesses, and as if in the presence of God.  You will promise to take him/her to be your lawful wedded husband/wife. 

The ring/s are given and received as a token and pledge of the covenant between you.  The precious metal is a symbol of the purity of your love, the circle a symbol of the enduring nature of your union.  You are individually named and pronounced husband and wife, legally and lawfully wedded for your mortal lives.

“May God bless your union with joy in your posterity and a long life of happiness together. 

May He enable you to keep the covenants you have made.”  Will be the words said in conclusion.

Patience

"Patience is how you act while you are waiting."
Joyce Meyer

Past, Present, Future

"Discover your past. Face your present. Change your future."
"The Generations Project" BYU Television

Sociopaths

"He sounds convincing... but sociopaths always do."
"Law and Order" Television series

Problems Always Turn Up

"Problems always turn up - it wouldn't be any fun playing football if the other team didn't show up."
George D Durrant - LDS Profiles programme on BYU Television

Things Work Out

"Things work out - especially if you marry the right woman (man)."
George D Durrant

Bind... Blind...

"The ties that bind can be the ties that blind."
"Monster"

Looking Back

"Looking back in the past is not going to change (deter me in) the future."
John Clark - Dr Phil Show guest

Craziness

"When you see Craziness coming... cross the street!"
Iyanla van Zandt

Maturing Together Towards Perfection

“One of the things I've realized as I've matured in life is that if someone is willing to accept me — imperfect as I am — then I should be willing to be patient with others' imperfections as well. Since you won't find perfection in your partner, and your partner won't find it in you, your only chance at perfection is in creating perfection together.”
President Dieter F Uchtdorf
(I lifted this from Shawn Powrie's blog http://n3r0t0x1n.blogspot.com/ - his entry "Electromagnetic fields and Corollary Acceptance")

Nobody... Somebody

"You would be better off to have nobody than to have the wrong somebody."
Joyce Meyer

Real Love

"Real love should always make you do the right things for the right reasons.
Real love lasts. It's something that lasts - you don't have to rush into it.
You shouldn't rush growing up - there'll be plenty of time for adult problems."
BYU TV series "Wind at My Back"

Covenant Marriage, Contract Marriage

Elder Bruce Hafen gave a talk in the October 1996 General Conference discussing Contract Marriage and Covenant Marriage.

I recommend you find it and read it individually, and then together. Good material for deep discussion.

www.lds.org go to "Gospel Library" then "Magazines" then "Ensign" then "Past Issues" then "1996" then "November 1996" then scroll for Elder Bruce Hafen's talk.

Oil and Water

Oil and water vigorously shaken to 'blend'...

Left standing a short while and the separation starts to happen.

And longer the separation is complete.

Oil and water do not mix easily, if at all. If they mix it will be an uneasy mix only possible with the constant addition of an agent to make it possible.

Be careful whom you choose to daily 'mix' your self, your life and living with.

If you and they are oil and water, the natural separation will take place.

Take time to date and find out more about each other.

Don't be fooled.

Warning Signs

If you or your boyfriend/girlfriend is
jealous,
makes decisions quickly and wants to sweep the other along too and
is intense...

be alert. Beware...

These are warning signs.

You need to consult with someone very wise sooner rather than later - you may be in danger.
Manage the risk you are, or are exposed to, every day - for the rest of your life.

These dynamics in either of you are better identified and learnt about early.
It is possible to live meaningfully with jealous, controlling and intense people - you will need a particularly high ,and ongoing, level of watchfulness, understanding and skill.

Find out more!

If you are, or choose to marry, such a person, you will be working with these characteristics for the rest of your life. It is relentless work. It is exhausting work. You will be unable to keep up the required vigilance unless you are Divinely sustained all the time.

We are all children of God.
We are here to be blessed by others, and to bless some of the other people we come in contact with.
We are not here to bless everyone who comes across our way. We simply cannot do it.

Working with jealous, controlling and intense people - whether the person is oneself or another - is Godly work and will require Godliness.

You are warned.

Oh, be wise... What can I say more?

Power

"If they're truly on time with each other, there's a power in that."
Randy Boothe
BYU Ballroom Dance Company documentary.
That's what we are striving for...
giving and receiving,
leading and following,
nudging and responding,
consentrating on many things inside and outsides of our two selves...
moving and flowing in time with the music,
as well as the other dancers on the floor -
practicing, practicing, practicing,
making regular times to practice...
occasionally performing before an audience.
This will be the work of a life time for each of you -
to become more and more comfortable with each other,
beautiful to behold,
and excellent in accomplishing your particular dance together.

Holy Matrimony

Are you intending to enter a "Holy Matrimony" or an "Unholy Matrimony?"
Will you recognise that which is Unholy in your marriage?
What will you do about it? When? Why? How?
What if the Unholiness is not all yours?
How will you broach the subject? Why? When? Where?
Will you call in help - that helps - if you need it?

"Weeds are easier to pull and get rid of when the ground is soft and the weeds are still small - and also big enough. You cannot pull very tiny weeds."

You will not even SEE the weeds unless you regularly and objectively survey your "marriage garden."

Do your personal weeds need a good "spray" so that they will die because they are poisoned; or do they need rooting out entirely?
How will you successfully "spray" some of the weeds of your significant other?
What will you do about the "spraying" and rooting out that may be needed, and is not possible for you to do because it is not your stewardship?

Rejoice and be patient with all your good plantings - they may yield their beauty and strength in due time. Some of your good intentioned and planned plantings will not survive in your garden - they may need conditions that are not possible in your marriage. Some unexpected beautiful plants will naturally spring up in the environment you are able to provide - wonderful surprises when you discover and identify them! Celebrate them - they are gifts!
There are many, many beautiful, good and suitable "plants" from Heavenly Father's "Nursery" from which you can choose. Choose from His variety. You will not be able to have all of His plants in your mariage garden. Design and tend your unique "Marriage Garden" - your personal offering to God, and each other, and your children born and unborn. Design and tend your marriage garden which will be possible for you - mainly one (or only one), or you two (equally or unequally) - both to flourish and have great joy in.

God is the Great Gardener of each "Marriage Garden".
"Marriage is ordained of God."
Consult Him.
Listen to Him.
He is the Only One who really knows "Best" in each individual marriage design, tending and purpose.

Significant Marriage Gardening to us all in our individual gardens in all the places of the great wide world - and on other worlds without number...