Five Reasons Not to Get Married

 

Who You Choose to Marry Will Play a Key Role in Your Future Happiness.

If You Question Your Decision in Any Way, Here Are 5 Reasons Why You Should Not Get Married.

By Dustin Wiggins

Love is the foundation of all happiness and joy in life. We all want it, and we appreciate

it when it is given to us. When we feel unloved, we can feel sad, depressed, anxious and irritable. Establishing love as the foundation in your marriage will bring you a lifetime of peace and marital bliss. Who you choose to marry will play a key role in your future happiness.

 

If you question your decision in any way, take the time to consider these 5 reasons why you should perhaps, probably, not get married.

 

You just met

When you first meet and the sparks start to fly, try not to make any quick decisions. Usually, this beginning phase of the relationship is filled with high chemicals and low clarity. If you marry in this puppy love state, you will soon find that those chemicals which made it impossible to be separated will soon fade away. As you get to know each other you will start to see things more clearly. With high clarity and low chemicals, you can make a more informed decision.

 

You are too young or too old

Different countries, and even different areas within those countries, have different ideas on the proper age to get married. Marriage is not reserved for couples that fall within a certain age range. If you are waiting for the perfect age to get marriage, you may just miss out on a wonderful man or woman that could help you fill your life with joy and happiness. If you are a responsible adult, you are never too old or too young to get married.

 

You are attracted

If you are basing your relationship solely on good looks, then you have a long rocky road ahead of you. Men can get fat. Women have babies. We get old and tired. Think long term when you are making a decision to marry. Can you imagine being with your companion if there were no sex? If your day consisted of easing the arthritis pain, changing your spouse's adult diaper and trying not to break a hip, could you still be madly in love with your spouse? Eating healthy and keeping yourself physically fit will help extend those good looks but don't base your entire relationship on them or your marriage won't last past the first wrinkle.

 

You don't have a career

The greatest and most influential career you will ever have is that of a spouse and parent. You are the CEO of your own home. If you choose to wait till you have the perfect job you may just be waiting forever. You might have to learn to deal with a job you hate until you can find something that can bring balance to your life. If you are concerned with having the perfect career before you take the plunge into marriage, it is possible the greatest career that you could ever have will pass you by.

 

You are engaged

Who you marry is one of the most important decisions you will make in your entire lifetime. Your happiness and the happiness of others depend on the success of this decision. Just because you sent out the invitations, does not mean that you have to go through with it – if it's not right. People will not judge you harshly; they will most likely say, "good thing they figured it out before they tied the knot." Unless you are convinced that your decision is the right one, reconsider and marry someone that you are confident you will love for better or worse.

 

Selecting the right partner is a decision that will have eternal consequences. Do not get married just to get married. Be wise in making this decision. Seeing warning signs takes little time, so make sure you get to know your future spouse. Those high chemicals may fade away, but eventually, as you work on it, you will learn how to re-fall in love with your spouse and will regain those puppy love feelings while also enjoying high clarity. Marital bliss is something that you need to work towards. True happiness in marriage will take some time and will be a lot easier if you choose the right person from the beginning.

 

About Dustin Wiggins

Dustin A. Wiggins, author of “180 Experiences that will Strengthen your Marriage,” is passionate about discovering ways to strengthen the family. He loves to write and explore different parts of the world. You can follow him on twitter @_DustinWiggins or check out his blog “Lessons of Wisdom” to stay updated with helpful and inspiring ideas.

 

SEE

"If we don't recognise and understand the arrogance (anger, spitefulness etc) in ourselves, we can't accurately see arrogance (anger, spitefulness etc) in others."  "Lord, how much of this is me seeing my unprocessed self (projection) in them?" is a good question to ask ourselves. And... "How much of this is about me?  How much of this is actually about them?" are useful too.

Explore all your emotions, find out what is in you.
SEE what is in your intended spouse, because you have discovered honestly what is in you.
You will not forever remain ignorant about your beloved.
Ignorance is NOT bliss when you discover the darker sides of your spouse.

(We all have our darker side.)  
If ye are prepared, ye need not fear.
If the revelation of his/her darker side is sobering - consult with someone wise.
Better to break off an engagement than a marriage.

Fortunately the same holds true for the lighter and lovelier sides of ourselves.
"If we don't know about the humility (peacefulness, lovingness etc) in ourselves, we can't see humility (peacefulness, lovingness etc) in others."

Explore all these emotions in yourself as well.
SEE what in in your intended spouse, because you have discovered honestly what is in you.
You will be blessed to discover gentle and Christian virtues in your spouse.
If you are prepared you can rejoice daily.
If the revelation of his/her lovelier side is intimidating or challenging to you, consult with someone wise.
You might saboutage your relationship and lose it if you do not learn to appreciate and cherish the peacefulness and loveliness within yourself and others.

YOU WILL LEARN about the light and the dark of us all sometime on your journey through life and the hereafter.
Don't stay wrong long.
Learn your lessons well - the sooner the more successful your life and living will be.
Enhance your Emotional IQ.

Couple Questionnaire

Early and past patterns of relating carry over to current circumstances and relationships.

 In this relationship I feel -    

-secure

-resistant

-avoidant

add...............

How much of my behaviour in this relationship may be influenced by my past relationships?

What can I do differently in this present relationship that might make a difference?

How can I think differently in my relationship now that might just make a difference?

How can I feel differently in my relationship that might make a difference?

What are my biggest fears about my relationship?

What do I hope this partner will give to me in this relationship?

What are my ideals regarding this relationship?

I wish…

What were my mother’s unlived dreams… 

For herself

For me

What were my father’s unlived dreams...

For himself

For me

What feels true for me about my mother?  

Great… Terrible… or ...

What feels true for me about my father? 

Great… Terrible… or ...

What do I hope for from my spouse?                     

What do I hope to become with my spouse? 

Hero

Admirer

Guide 

Worshipper

Lover

Parent

Seducer 

Genius

Nurturer

Equal partner

Comforter

Companion

add..................

What has aroused aggression in me the past?

What might arouse aggression in me in this relationship?

What do I do/think/feel when my aggression is aroused?

What has caused me to feel afraid in the past?

What might cause me to feel afraid in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am afraid?

What has aroused my jealously in the past?

What might arouse my jealousy in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am jealous?

When have I felt envious in the past?

What might arouse my envy in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am envious?

When have I felt hurt in the past?

What might hurt me in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am hurt?

What hurt have I caused in the past?

What hurt might I cause in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I cause hurt?

When have I felt sad in the past?

What might I be sad about in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am sad?

When have I had joy in the past?

What will give me great joy in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am joyful?

When have I felt peace in the past?

How might I feel peace in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am peaceful?

When have I felt competent in the past?

How can I feel competent in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am competent?

When have I felt powerful in the past?

How will I feel powerful in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am powerful?

What am I learning about myself?

What am I learning about the person I intend entering a relationship with?

If I need help – who might be able to help me?

If my intended partner needs help, what can I do about it?

In what ways has this questionnaire been useful to me?

What am I learning?        

Thirty Six Questions

36 Questions Intended To Deepen Your Relationship.

Have two copies – one for each of you.   

Take turns choosing a number you want to concentrate on in one of the three sets. 
Mark off on your list when you have talked about it enough for you. 
Complete all the items over a period of time.
You will discover more and learn to understand yourself and each other a lot better!

Set 1

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? If so, in what way?  If not, why not?
3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. You live to 90.  For last 60 years, do you keep mind or body of your 30 yr old self?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? 
8. Name three things you think you and I have in common.
9. For what in your life are you most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell me your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

13. If  something/one could tell you the truth about yourself, what do you want to know?
14. Have you dreamed of doing something for a long time? Why have you not done it yet?
15. What is your greatest accomplishment so far in your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most precious and treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew you would die soon, what would you change about how you live? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Tell me 3 pluses, 2 minuses you notice about me so far: Give them to me  + - + - +
23. How close and warm is your family? Was your childhood happier than most?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set 3

25. Make 3 true "we" statements. For instance 'We are both…"
26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share…"
27. What would be important for a close friend to know about you?  Share it.
28. Tell me what you like about me; here’s your chance to dare - be very honest.
29. I will share an embarrassing moment with you:  here goes…
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? And cry by yourself?
31. I will tell you something I like about you already:…
32. What, if anything, is too serious still for you, and not to be joked about?
33. If you were to die today what would you wish you had said… to whom?
34. Your house catches fire. You save loved ones and pets, what one more item?   Why?
35. Of all your family, whose death would you find most a relief/disturbing? Why?
36. I have this personal problem (share) what observations/advice do you have for me?
       What you think I might be feeling about this problem of mine?

Adapted from a study authored by Arthur Aron  -

"One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.”   Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, this exercise  facilitates your  sharing.

Character and Chemistry

"Character trumps chemistry!" Young and in Love author Ted Cunningham

(Looking for sound character in the one you are thinking of marrying is more important than looking for the one who sparks chemistry in you.)

Overcompensating

We may see nothing wrong with overcompensating in a marriage, but when we begin to lose our happiness and who we are as a person, we must reevaluate our role.

There are marriages where one person overcompensates because the other person is contributing very little to the relationship and to the family. Instead of discussing the matter, the person chooses to carry on as if nothing is happening. In the meantime, the other person has no idea something is wrong. Children old enough to understand will realize that one parent is overcompensating for the other. Unfortunately, that isn’t a good example to set because they will grow to believe overcompensating is OK in any relationship.

From a child’s perceptive, I recall my mother overcompensating for my father at times. He tried his best, but there were occasions where he was unavailable. It was stressful for all of us.

In my first marriage, I used to overcompensate. My husband, at the time, was not as attentive to the marriage as I hoped. He was more involved with his personal life than our marriage. Even though it was overwhelming at times, I thought by doing more than my share in the marriage I would make things easier for us and bring him closer to me. It didn’t quite work out that way. Overcompensating was just one of the factors that pulled us apart.

Overcompensating may not drive a couple to separate, but it can definitely make the marriage awkward and create tension within the household. These three tips can help you and your spouse equally contribute to the marriage and to the family.

COMMUNICATE. We all have our plates full. There is so much happening in our lives that we are guilty of putting a little less into our relationships or families at times. However, when that behavior turns into a habit, you should have a one to one conversation with your spouse. Be honest. The last thing you want to do is hide the truth. Remember your children will pick up what they see and hear. Overcompensating is not OK.

ATTENTION AND AFFECTIPON. You and your spouse should give each other attention as much as possible. Don’t leave the hugs and kisses for special occasions or for one person to always give it. If your spouse is cooking, place a kiss on her cheek or gently touch her shoulders.

When it comes to your children, hug and kiss them as often as possible. Don't wait until they head to school or bed.

Don't buy gifts as a way to hide your guilt. Buy gifts because there’s a meaning behind it or as a special gesture. The attention and affection should come from the heart, not from a guilty place.

FAMILY TIME. Set up family trips such camping, a day at the amusement park or the movies. Both parents should attend their children’s softball game or school play. Consider family time at home. Spend that time catching up on the week or playing family games.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do a little more for your spouse and family just as long as you are not jeopardizing your happiness. When you feel you are putting more into the marriage than the other person, it's a good idea to discuss the concern. At the end of the day, a marriage and family is to be celebrated by two people — not one.

 

Mayra Bitsko

Mayra Bitsko is a freelance writer, the author of A Second Chance and The Past Beckons and holds a master's degree in business administration-accounting. Contact her at www.mrsmbitsko.com.

Insights

"Valuable insights often come from unexpected sources."
"Granite Flats" BYU Television series