Couple Questionnaire

Early and past patterns of relating carry over to current circumstances and relationships.

 In this relationship I feel -    

-secure

-resistant

-avoidant

add...............

How much of my behaviour in this relationship may be influenced by my past relationships?

What can I do differently in this present relationship that might make a difference?

How can I think differently in my relationship now that might just make a difference?

How can I feel differently in my relationship that might make a difference?

What are my biggest fears about my relationship?

What do I hope this partner will give to me in this relationship?

What are my ideals regarding this relationship?

I wish…

What were my mother’s unlived dreams… 

For herself

For me

What were my father’s unlived dreams...

For himself

For me

What feels true for me about my mother?  

Great… Terrible… or ...

What feels true for me about my father? 

Great… Terrible… or ...

What do I hope for from my spouse?                     

What do I hope to become with my spouse? 

Hero

Admirer

Guide 

Worshipper

Lover

Parent

Seducer 

Genius

Nurturer

Equal partner

Comforter

Companion

add..................

What has aroused aggression in me the past?

What might arouse aggression in me in this relationship?

What do I do/think/feel when my aggression is aroused?

What has caused me to feel afraid in the past?

What might cause me to feel afraid in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am afraid?

What has aroused my jealously in the past?

What might arouse my jealousy in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am jealous?

When have I felt envious in the past?

What might arouse my envy in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am envious?

When have I felt hurt in the past?

What might hurt me in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am hurt?

What hurt have I caused in the past?

What hurt might I cause in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I cause hurt?

When have I felt sad in the past?

What might I be sad about in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am sad?

When have I had joy in the past?

What will give me great joy in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am joyful?

When have I felt peace in the past?

How might I feel peace in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am peaceful?

When have I felt competent in the past?

How can I feel competent in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am competent?

When have I felt powerful in the past?

How will I feel powerful in this relationship?

What do I do/say/think/feel when I am powerful?

What am I learning about myself?

What am I learning about the person I intend entering a relationship with?

If I need help – who might be able to help me?

If my intended partner needs help, what can I do about it?

In what ways has this questionnaire been useful to me?

What am I learning?        

Thirty Six Questions

36 Questions Intended To Deepen Your Relationship.

Have two copies – one for each of you.   

Take turns choosing a number you want to concentrate on in one of the three sets. 
Mark off on your list when you have talked about it enough for you. 
Complete all the items over a period of time.
You will discover more and learn to understand yourself and each other a lot better!

Set 1

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? If so, in what way?  If not, why not?
3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. You live to 90.  For last 60 years, do you keep mind or body of your 30 yr old self?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? 
8. Name three things you think you and I have in common.
9. For what in your life are you most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell me your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

13. If  something/one could tell you the truth about yourself, what do you want to know?
14. Have you dreamed of doing something for a long time? Why have you not done it yet?
15. What is your greatest accomplishment so far in your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most precious and treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew you would die soon, what would you change about how you live? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Tell me 3 pluses, 2 minuses you notice about me so far: Give them to me  + - + - +
23. How close and warm is your family? Was your childhood happier than most?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set 3

25. Make 3 true "we" statements. For instance 'We are both…"
26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share…"
27. What would be important for a close friend to know about you?  Share it.
28. Tell me what you like about me; here’s your chance to dare - be very honest.
29. I will share an embarrassing moment with you:  here goes…
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? And cry by yourself?
31. I will tell you something I like about you already:…
32. What, if anything, is too serious still for you, and not to be joked about?
33. If you were to die today what would you wish you had said… to whom?
34. Your house catches fire. You save loved ones and pets, what one more item?   Why?
35. Of all your family, whose death would you find most a relief/disturbing? Why?
36. I have this personal problem (share) what observations/advice do you have for me?
       What you think I might be feeling about this problem of mine?

Adapted from a study authored by Arthur Aron  -

"One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.”   Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, this exercise  facilitates your  sharing.

Character and Chemistry

"Character trumps chemistry!" Young and in Love author Ted Cunningham

(Looking for sound character in the one you are thinking of marrying is more important than looking for the one who sparks chemistry in you.)

Overcompensating

We may see nothing wrong with overcompensating in a marriage, but when we begin to lose our happiness and who we are as a person, we must reevaluate our role.

There are marriages where one person overcompensates because the other person is contributing very little to the relationship and to the family. Instead of discussing the matter, the person chooses to carry on as if nothing is happening. In the meantime, the other person has no idea something is wrong. Children old enough to understand will realize that one parent is overcompensating for the other. Unfortunately, that isn’t a good example to set because they will grow to believe overcompensating is OK in any relationship.

From a child’s perceptive, I recall my mother overcompensating for my father at times. He tried his best, but there were occasions where he was unavailable. It was stressful for all of us.

In my first marriage, I used to overcompensate. My husband, at the time, was not as attentive to the marriage as I hoped. He was more involved with his personal life than our marriage. Even though it was overwhelming at times, I thought by doing more than my share in the marriage I would make things easier for us and bring him closer to me. It didn’t quite work out that way. Overcompensating was just one of the factors that pulled us apart.

Overcompensating may not drive a couple to separate, but it can definitely make the marriage awkward and create tension within the household. These three tips can help you and your spouse equally contribute to the marriage and to the family.

COMMUNICATE. We all have our plates full. There is so much happening in our lives that we are guilty of putting a little less into our relationships or families at times. However, when that behavior turns into a habit, you should have a one to one conversation with your spouse. Be honest. The last thing you want to do is hide the truth. Remember your children will pick up what they see and hear. Overcompensating is not OK.

ATTENTION AND AFFECTIPON. You and your spouse should give each other attention as much as possible. Don’t leave the hugs and kisses for special occasions or for one person to always give it. If your spouse is cooking, place a kiss on her cheek or gently touch her shoulders.

When it comes to your children, hug and kiss them as often as possible. Don't wait until they head to school or bed.

Don't buy gifts as a way to hide your guilt. Buy gifts because there’s a meaning behind it or as a special gesture. The attention and affection should come from the heart, not from a guilty place.

FAMILY TIME. Set up family trips such camping, a day at the amusement park or the movies. Both parents should attend their children’s softball game or school play. Consider family time at home. Spend that time catching up on the week or playing family games.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do a little more for your spouse and family just as long as you are not jeopardizing your happiness. When you feel you are putting more into the marriage than the other person, it's a good idea to discuss the concern. At the end of the day, a marriage and family is to be celebrated by two people — not one.

 

Mayra Bitsko

Mayra Bitsko is a freelance writer, the author of A Second Chance and The Past Beckons and holds a master's degree in business administration-accounting. Contact her at www.mrsmbitsko.com.

Insights

"Valuable insights often come from unexpected sources."
"Granite Flats" BYU Television series

Your Marriage Vows

Marriage is a joyous occasion, yet it carries with it grave responsibilities.  It is essentially a religious institution.  It has its origins in religious ceremony.  It is a fulfilment of a Divine command, and the finest of its products are spiritual.  Marriage is the greatest of all unions.  It implies a most sacred and binding covenant dating back to the beginning of time.  The highest and noblest aspirations of our existence find expression in this ancient institution of holy matrimony.  Yet is also ever new as the world unfolds around us. 

There are four parties to each marriage compact: 
The man, the woman, the State and the Church.

You each are contracting parties, entering into this union of your own free will and choice, your hearts filled with the love you have for each other.  Your love is the origin and basis of your proposed union.  If you care for and preserve your love, it will be the supreme benediction of your wedded lives.  You preserve your love through adequate consideration of each other.  Cherish your love as a priceless gem.  You have chosen to share the great responsibilities of life together.  Happiness is your goal.

The State is interested because the State is concerned about the welfare of society.  The home you will build will add to the community.  Good homes and families are indispensable to a good society and an enduring nation.  Build your home and family embracing the great and lasting values of purity, honesty, thrift, kindness, and patriotism.

The Church is deeply concerned because it is the instrument through which your marriage can be sanctified.  By Divine power your lives are to be unified and consecrated to holy purposes.  Find a place in your hearts for faith and the hope of immortality.  Take God into your partnership.  Promise that you will sustain Him and His truth as you look to Him to sustain and bless you.

Strengthen each other in all your labours.  Rest upon each other in your sorrows.  Minister to one another in your times of pain.  Build a safe and harmonious life together.  Create a home wherein each of you might fulfil the purposes of your existence.  Savour the blessed memories you make.  Become one.  The time will come when one or both of you depart this life – make the most of the time you are able to be together.

Our Saviour gave us the pattern of the marriage covenant when he said “… from the beginning of creation God made them male and female.  For this cause shall a man (and woman) leave his father and his mother and cleave unto his wife.”

The marriage vows you make are very sacred.  Adhere to them and they will bring you the happiness and joy you seek.  Happiness is often illusive.  It is like a butterfly – be peaceful, let it settle on you.

You will be individually named.  You will take each other by the right hand in token of the covenant you enter into to become his/her companion and husband (companion and wife), to forsake all others, to love, honour and cherish your spouse as long as you both shall live.   You will promise to observe all the laws, covenants, and obligations pertaining to the Holy State of Matrimony.  You will be reminded that you do this of your own free will and choice, in the presence of witnesses, and as if in the presence of God.  You will promise to take him/her to be your lawful wedded husband/wife. 

The ring/s are given and received as a token and pledge of the covenant between you.  The precious metal is a symbol of the purity of your love, the circle a symbol of the enduring nature of your union.  You are individually named and pronounced husband and wife, legally and lawfully wedded for your mortal lives.

“May God bless your union with joy in your posterity and a long life of happiness together. 

May He enable you to keep the covenants you have made.”  Will be the words said in conclusion.

Patience

"Patience is how you act while you are waiting."
Joyce Meyer